Do you think I am having fun!

Such a nice post from "Autism Discussion Page". Reading this, I myself realize that how sometimes working with my son, I start to control him instead of supporting him. We all love our kids. We want them to learn all the skills, but sometimes we forget that they can not learn forcefully until unless they are interested in the activity. -

“Do you think I am having fun!” From the child’s perspective! 

“Do you think I am having fun when I scream, fall to the floor and slam my head repeatedly?”

“Do you think I am enjoying it when I meltdown in the middle of a classroom with my peers staring at me?”

“Do you think I am having fun when I cannot sit still, and am running around the room, bouncing off the walls, ignoring your assistance?”

“Do you think I am having fun when I am staring into space, with glassy eyes, and turning away to block you out because I am overwhelmed and shutting down?”

“Do you think I am having fun when I repeatedly hit my face with my fists until all the frustration is gone?”

“Do you think that I enjoy hitting, kicking, and biting you when I love you?”

When I hear people discussing my behavior, what is there that leads them to believe that I like to do this; that I find enjoyment in creating havoc, stress, and anxiety for myself and others? Do you think I would do this if I had more adaptive ways of dealing with the problem? When I am continually acting out to gain your attention, you say I am “seeking attention” (like I like it) and put me on extinction. Do you ever think about “why” am I needing constant attention in the first place. Why am I acting inappropriately to obtain attention? Instead of ignoring me, try and listen and understand why I “have the need” to act that way. Seeking attention may be the obvious observable function, but ask yourself (1) why am I needing so much attention, and (2) why am I using this behavior to get it. Don’t just “ignore” me. It doesn’t teach me anything, but makes me feel isolated and unwanted. It does not deal with why I need the attention, or teach me more appropriate ways of getting it.

When I act out when you place demands on me, yes I may be trying to “escape and avoid” these demands, so you force me to comply, so my acting out is not rewarded by allowing me to escape. You say I act out to “manipulate” you to avoid things I do not like. Have you asked yourself “why does he feel the need to escape or avoid?” If most children willfully comply, why am I resisting so adamantly. Don’t you think if I had the tools, and felt confident enough to do it successfully, that I would also “want” to do it?

When I become overwhelmed in events with overpowering sounds, sights, and smells, why would you think that forcing me through it is somehow helping me? If my brain becomes overloaded with stimulation, how can I be expected to “handle it?” What is that teaching me, if my brain doesn’t allow me to learn during those moments?

I wonder why you do not ask these questions. You call me a manipulator, lazy, disrespectful, oppositional, etc, like I somehow intentionally choose to act this way; assuming I know how to act differently. At your meeting, you sit at a table and discuss among yourselves how I must learn to act better, to not be spoiled, learn to respect others, and comply with your demands; like I am so how having “fun”, intentionally choosing to act this way. You don’t first look at what you might need to change, but try to force change on me. You scold, force, punish, and restrain me, like I purposely want to be this way. Are you that DUMB to think that if I knew how to do it right, and I felt confident doing so, I wouldn’t have more “fun” being cooperative and receiving the positive attention and rewards like all the other children. Look at my face! Look at my actions! Look at my emotions! How do you assume that this is fun!

Please let me tell you, if I felt good about myself, confident in what I am doing, and safe and accepted by you, I would not be acting this way. Either the demands of the situation are greater than I can handle, the way you are supporting (or not supporting) me is overwhelming me, or I do not feel “safe” in doing it. I do not mean to “piss you off!” I do not find joy is making you angry and lashing out at me in frustration. I am not having fun in watching everyone stare, scold, and ridicule me into submission. How do you think that timing me out, taking away privileges, and restraining me helps me to feel safe, accepted, and competent in your presence!

Please, when you look at me struggling, assume that I am feeling anxious, insecure, and most importantly “inadequate” at the moment. The stronger the opposition the more insecure and inadequate I am feeling. Then, ask yourself how can you (1) change the expectations and demands, (2) how can you provide greater assistance to support me, and (3) teach better skills for meeting these expectations. And most importantly, in the heat of a meltdown, think “how can I help him feel safe”, not “how can I control him.” And when it is over with, ask yourself how you can change the conditions next time to avoid setting me into “fight or flight”, rather than how can you punish my behavior into submission. You are the one placing me in these conditions, you are the one who has to learn to change! Yes, like for all children, I need realistic boundaries and consequences to learn to be successful, but meet me where I can realistically succeed, be a supportive mentor, and please do not assume that I am having “fun” and “prefer” to act this way!

Thanks you for listening to me. Please do it more often!